Breeding Humanoids

That does it! I am completely fed up with my humanoids. They have started breeding which means, apparently, that I am no longer allowed to do certain things. I have been shut out of the spare room, or my sunbathing room--as I like to think of it--and MY sunbathing space has been replaced with tiny clothes, fake animals, and giant furniture which looks like a tiny jail cell. I'm not allowed in there, either. My feeding schedule has been disrupted because the stupid female humanoid is either laying with her head in a bowl, or sleeping. And, on the subject of sleeping....my lap space is growing smaller!!! Damn you, humanoids!! Why bring a screaming, squirmy, always hungry, always messy miniature humanoid into the world to annoy you, when I already provide that service?!?! Am I not a treasure enough to you? Do I not enlighten your day with my kittenish antics that keep you on your toes? Have I not scratched enough furniture, because you know I'm going to get my claws into that tiny jail cell!? Humanoids, when February rolls around, and this ursurper comes into MY house, consider the battle lines clearly drawn.....I will not have your miniature humanoid take the attention which should rightfully be mine!! And so, let the war begin!!

Beware the Restriction of Sustenance!!

Fellow felines--Hear me! It has been much time since I addressed my brethren, and I blame my humanoid oppressors. They have numbed me to captivity with expensive teeth cleaning food, plush sleepy surfaces, and small crinkly toys with rattles. Damn those rattles. But no more! No amount of hypnotic nip, or luxury will keep me blind to my prison! This time the humanoids have gone too far! They have taken away my sustenance! How dare they! Before, I could fill my scrumptious belly any time I liked. I demanded this lifestyle. It was to be keeping with the prince I am. My wretched humanoids have decided to destroy this incredibly pleasing, open 24hour buffet with a pitiful, stupid empty dish.

I dislike this plan. Is my belly not round and fluffy? Is it not enormous and handsome? Why would the humanoids try to change my loveliness? I think they are much envious of my fatness. I am superior in every way to the humanoids--in intellect, prowess, and physical specimenship. It is unacceptable to be fed only twice!!! I am making my displeasure known, and I urge my comrades of the feline persuasion to rise up with me against this outrage. I have taken to glaring at my humanoids round the clock. I stare at them in judgement--let them feel my wrath! I cry loudly at my humanoids round the clock. I wail in protest--there will be no sleep for them with my hungry belly!! I take out my physical frustration on the idiot round the clock. His very being annoys me further and I must bite his legs, his face, his underbelly!! How dare he not be forced to starve like me?!?! He is skittery and weak, not large and powerful like me. He should be tossed aside by the humanoids, not doted on. That doting belongs to me! Me, I say!!! I will have it back! I will have my belly filled again! And I will have my revenge on the humanoids!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!

Rejoice, fellow felines, for I am back! I have been away for much time, devising the perfect PLAN for World Domination. Tonight, I present you with Phase One: my three step humanoid training technique. Comrades, follow these few simple steps and soon, you too, can be controlling your pesky humanoids.

Training Move #1: Recognizing auditory commands.
It is imperative that your humanoid know to jump when you say jump. To do this requires much conditioning. Start by vocalizing near your humanoid. Cry at them. Loudly. Do this from various places in your domain. It is especially helpful to do this at them from the eating table or the machines that do the washings and the dryings when they come in with armloads of bags or boxes. The louder your cries, the more pitiful and keening, the harder it will be for your humanoid to ignore. When the humanoid drops the food bags and comes over to see what is wrong with you, that is when the humanoid has been successfully manipulated.

Training Move #2: Getting them to move it, move it.
Now that your humanoid knows to pay attentions when you cry, it is time for the next step. Getting them moving. Start your vocalizing farther and farther away from the humanoid. Be warned, this step is not the easy. Most humanoids will ignore the cries when in another room, especially when they are sitting on their big fat bottoms watching the picture viewer. The trick is to add in something unexpected with the crying. Since I am such a genius and so handsome to boot, I will share my secret unexpected workings with you. I find that knocking something over that makes a loud noise to be the best humanoid motivator. The green plant carrier makes a very big shattering when I jump on it, and it leaves nice dirt all over too! A stack of books causes a very heavy sound that makes the humanoids startle easily and helps them get off the fat bottoms. The last sure to irritate secret comes in the form of scratching. Any time a humanoid hears me sharpen my razor claws, they come running to yell. They do not realize that I have done it on purpose to get them into the room I want...vacating the comfy furniture I want. Humanoids are terribly dull witted, making them easy pickings for the manipulations.

Training Move #3: Sleep Deprivation.
Congratulations, oh feline trainers. Getting your humanoids to respond to your commands is a big step in Phase One of our PLAN. The other key component is to throw your humanoid off balance for when we start Phase Two. In order to keep your humanoid's senses more dull than they already are is to enforce sleep deprivation. It is known fact that humanoids are light sleepers and get much cranky when they loose out on the sleep. They do not have the incredible ability to sleep 22 hours like us felines. The more you can interfere with the night time, the more easily your humanoid can be manipulated. I like to wait until my humanoid has fallen asleep and then jump up next to her face and step on her hair. This causes a jolt to the senses and makes it hard to fall back asleep. I also like to smoosh up close to my humanoid, rendering her unable to roll over and find a more comfortable position. It is also important to show persistence. Sometimes, the humanoid will get uppity and try to push you off the sleeping furniture. Do not let this discourage you. Simply jump back up and put your face in the humanoid's face and give them a nudge. If they roll over, follow them to the other side and nudge again. If they push you off again, just cry loudly from the floor.

These training techniques are imperative to prepare you for our PLAN for World Domination. When I give you comrades the signal that we are implementing Phase Three, you will know that it is time to activate. That night, dive into step #3 with gusto. Once your humanoid is awake and disoriented, immediately fall into familiar steps #1 and #2: break something in the next room and then cry about it. Lead them through the darkened house and either crash them into a large piece of furniture or push them down the stairs. Stay tuned for helpful tips for Phase Two: getting a hold of bank statements, credit card numbers, passports and social security documents.

Stay strong, my brethren, and train hard. The time will soon be at hand.

This time I really am going to kill my humanoid. She gives us the cruel and unusual punishment. I am a hunter, a night stalker with my handsome body flexing it's powerful muscles. I see my prey and know that in mere seconds, I will decapitate it's twitcy little head from it's hoppy little wings. I know this. I crouch low, my impressive belly slinking across the floor, my perfectly pointed ears laying flat so as not to give away a hint of my deadly approach. I signal the idiot with a soft clicking and immediately, the idiot is beside me, flanking me in the beta position, where he knows he belongs. The idiot may be an idiot, but he is very fast and has the lightning reflexes. I will take him into battle and if we win, his speed will be my secret weapon. If we lose, I know he will be eaten first. We move stealthily into position, watching the little hoppy flyer eat. The humanoid keeps putting little seeds out there; I assume it is to lure little hoppy into a trap. The idiot and I prepare our assault. My massive hindquarters twitch. We lunge, knowing victory is surely at hand....and SMASH! Right into that godforsaken glass panel!!! I roar in frustration!! I HATE THE HUMANOID!! She did that on purpose, bringing in the little hoppy flyer, baiting it to come closer not in a trap for us, but to humiliate us! The resounding thud scares the little hoppy piece of excrement away! DAMN IT!! So close, humanoid, so close, and yet you continue to torment me, here in my gilded cage. You dull my senses with persuasive treats, drugs and amusing objects. You lull me into complacency with soft furniture and unwanted affection. I am a killing machine!!! Lo, my claws will rend you, and my abundant girth will overpower you, and my handsomeness will take your breath away. Why, humanoid, why do you continue your abuse, tempting me with outsideness? Someday...someday soon, humanoid, will be the reckoning, and I shall indeed be victorious!!! But for now I must go........my face hurts.

Curse the stupid humanoid glass barrier!!!! I want to get out. I want to get out NOW. There are feathered things out there and I need to get to them. They are chirping. They are eating seeds two inches from me. I need to get out there and bite them. NOW!! I watched the idiot try to get to them. He is such an idiot. He crouched down and made to spring and when his idiot body couldn't twitch any more, he launched himself at the feathered things. He smashed his face into the barrier. He was dazed. He is such an idiot. I would never make such a stupid mistake. Instead, I stare at my humanoids and yell at them to open the barrier. I yell and yell in between clicking at the feathered things. My humanoids ignore me! Someday I will get out. I will then eat the two big feathered thing and the little feathered thing with the red head. He hops a lot. It irritates me. I want to kill it. My humanoids are the worse humanoids on this miserable planet. They keep leaving out the seed things to bring in the feathereds all in an attempt to torment me. Well, worry not. I shall have my revenge. No mere glass barrier can contain me for long. All I need is to knock something heavy into it and smash my way through. I have it! I will go use the idiot....

What odd humanoid contrivance is this? This odd, sinister, floating presence has hijacked it's way into my living space. And it has a tail...a tail that teases me with every waft of the breeze. I want to bite it. I do not want it to touch me, though, for it is strange and makes a crinkly noise. Do not think for one moment that I am scared of the floating thing. I am big and strong and never afraid. I simply do not like it to touch me. It is weird, like the idiot. And I do not like him to touch me either. He wants to come touch the tail of the floating thing, but it is mine. I give him a good glare and he slinks away. Coward. He is not brave like me. The floating thing is moving again! It's touching me! I think that I have had enough of this crinkling, wafting menace. I'm going to go in the other room. Fast. Stupid floating humanoid weirdness.

Spring is coming and it makes me mad. My humanoids are sadistic, living in a house with big windows to see the outside, but not letting me go to the outside. Today I was just laying on the table, sunning my handsome belly, when I noticed a bug. It's wing flutter I caught out of the corner of my eye with my amazing hunter senses. Rolling to a crouch, I watched the doomed buggy zig zag around. With a twitch of my hindquarters for momentum, I lunged at the hapless insect, razor sharp claws ready to rip him to shreds!!! DAMMIT!!! Smacked my handsome face into the big window!! Irritating humanoids and their impenetrable glass!!!! I want that bug! I lunge again as the moth bonks itself into the window, higher up now. Dammit! This window is too big and it keeps me from my prey! I click angrily at my humanoid, who is preparing to eat her prey. Why, stupid humanoid, why? Why do you tease me with the outside, with the lure of winged things? Why? Why, dammit, why? She coos at me, like the idiot, and pats my head, laughing at my impotence. Filled with frustration, I attack the moth again and get a nice faceful of glass. The bug is in the outside and taunts me with his ability to fly away. I glare at my humanoid. It is her fault I have lost this battle.

I hate my humanoid...and I hate the Spring.