Rejoice, fellow felines, for I am back! I have been away for much time, devising the perfect PLAN for World Domination. Tonight, I present you with Phase One: my three step humanoid training technique. Comrades, follow these few simple steps and soon, you too, can be controlling your pesky humanoids.

Training Move #1: Recognizing auditory commands.
It is imperative that your humanoid know to jump when you say jump. To do this requires much conditioning. Start by vocalizing near your humanoid. Cry at them. Loudly. Do this from various places in your domain. It is especially helpful to do this at them from the eating table or the machines that do the washings and the dryings when they come in with armloads of bags or boxes. The louder your cries, the more pitiful and keening, the harder it will be for your humanoid to ignore. When the humanoid drops the food bags and comes over to see what is wrong with you, that is when the humanoid has been successfully manipulated.

Training Move #2: Getting them to move it, move it.
Now that your humanoid knows to pay attentions when you cry, it is time for the next step. Getting them moving. Start your vocalizing farther and farther away from the humanoid. Be warned, this step is not the easy. Most humanoids will ignore the cries when in another room, especially when they are sitting on their big fat bottoms watching the picture viewer. The trick is to add in something unexpected with the crying. Since I am such a genius and so handsome to boot, I will share my secret unexpected workings with you. I find that knocking something over that makes a loud noise to be the best humanoid motivator. The green plant carrier makes a very big shattering when I jump on it, and it leaves nice dirt all over too! A stack of books causes a very heavy sound that makes the humanoids startle easily and helps them get off the fat bottoms. The last sure to irritate secret comes in the form of scratching. Any time a humanoid hears me sharpen my razor claws, they come running to yell. They do not realize that I have done it on purpose to get them into the room I want...vacating the comfy furniture I want. Humanoids are terribly dull witted, making them easy pickings for the manipulations.

Training Move #3: Sleep Deprivation.
Congratulations, oh feline trainers. Getting your humanoids to respond to your commands is a big step in Phase One of our PLAN. The other key component is to throw your humanoid off balance for when we start Phase Two. In order to keep your humanoid's senses more dull than they already are is to enforce sleep deprivation. It is known fact that humanoids are light sleepers and get much cranky when they loose out on the sleep. They do not have the incredible ability to sleep 22 hours like us felines. The more you can interfere with the night time, the more easily your humanoid can be manipulated. I like to wait until my humanoid has fallen asleep and then jump up next to her face and step on her hair. This causes a jolt to the senses and makes it hard to fall back asleep. I also like to smoosh up close to my humanoid, rendering her unable to roll over and find a more comfortable position. It is also important to show persistence. Sometimes, the humanoid will get uppity and try to push you off the sleeping furniture. Do not let this discourage you. Simply jump back up and put your face in the humanoid's face and give them a nudge. If they roll over, follow them to the other side and nudge again. If they push you off again, just cry loudly from the floor.

These training techniques are imperative to prepare you for our PLAN for World Domination. When I give you comrades the signal that we are implementing Phase Three, you will know that it is time to activate. That night, dive into step #3 with gusto. Once your humanoid is awake and disoriented, immediately fall into familiar steps #1 and #2: break something in the next room and then cry about it. Lead them through the darkened house and either crash them into a large piece of furniture or push them down the stairs. Stay tuned for helpful tips for Phase Two: getting a hold of bank statements, credit card numbers, passports and social security documents.

Stay strong, my brethren, and train hard. The time will soon be at hand.

This time I really am going to kill my humanoid. She gives us the cruel and unusual punishment. I am a hunter, a night stalker with my handsome body flexing it's powerful muscles. I see my prey and know that in mere seconds, I will decapitate it's twitcy little head from it's hoppy little wings. I know this. I crouch low, my impressive belly slinking across the floor, my perfectly pointed ears laying flat so as not to give away a hint of my deadly approach. I signal the idiot with a soft clicking and immediately, the idiot is beside me, flanking me in the beta position, where he knows he belongs. The idiot may be an idiot, but he is very fast and has the lightning reflexes. I will take him into battle and if we win, his speed will be my secret weapon. If we lose, I know he will be eaten first. We move stealthily into position, watching the little hoppy flyer eat. The humanoid keeps putting little seeds out there; I assume it is to lure little hoppy into a trap. The idiot and I prepare our assault. My massive hindquarters twitch. We lunge, knowing victory is surely at hand....and SMASH! Right into that godforsaken glass panel!!! I roar in frustration!! I HATE THE HUMANOID!! She did that on purpose, bringing in the little hoppy flyer, baiting it to come closer not in a trap for us, but to humiliate us! The resounding thud scares the little hoppy piece of excrement away! DAMN IT!! So close, humanoid, so close, and yet you continue to torment me, here in my gilded cage. You dull my senses with persuasive treats, drugs and amusing objects. You lull me into complacency with soft furniture and unwanted affection. I am a killing machine!!! Lo, my claws will rend you, and my abundant girth will overpower you, and my handsomeness will take your breath away. Why, humanoid, why do you continue your abuse, tempting me with outsideness? Someday...someday soon, humanoid, will be the reckoning, and I shall indeed be victorious!!! But for now I must go........my face hurts.

Curse the stupid humanoid glass barrier!!!! I want to get out. I want to get out NOW. There are feathered things out there and I need to get to them. They are chirping. They are eating seeds two inches from me. I need to get out there and bite them. NOW!! I watched the idiot try to get to them. He is such an idiot. He crouched down and made to spring and when his idiot body couldn't twitch any more, he launched himself at the feathered things. He smashed his face into the barrier. He was dazed. He is such an idiot. I would never make such a stupid mistake. Instead, I stare at my humanoids and yell at them to open the barrier. I yell and yell in between clicking at the feathered things. My humanoids ignore me! Someday I will get out. I will then eat the two big feathered thing and the little feathered thing with the red head. He hops a lot. It irritates me. I want to kill it. My humanoids are the worse humanoids on this miserable planet. They keep leaving out the seed things to bring in the feathereds all in an attempt to torment me. Well, worry not. I shall have my revenge. No mere glass barrier can contain me for long. All I need is to knock something heavy into it and smash my way through. I have it! I will go use the idiot....

What odd humanoid contrivance is this? This odd, sinister, floating presence has hijacked it's way into my living space. And it has a tail...a tail that teases me with every waft of the breeze. I want to bite it. I do not want it to touch me, though, for it is strange and makes a crinkly noise. Do not think for one moment that I am scared of the floating thing. I am big and strong and never afraid. I simply do not like it to touch me. It is weird, like the idiot. And I do not like him to touch me either. He wants to come touch the tail of the floating thing, but it is mine. I give him a good glare and he slinks away. Coward. He is not brave like me. The floating thing is moving again! It's touching me! I think that I have had enough of this crinkling, wafting menace. I'm going to go in the other room. Fast. Stupid floating humanoid weirdness.

Spring is coming and it makes me mad. My humanoids are sadistic, living in a house with big windows to see the outside, but not letting me go to the outside. Today I was just laying on the table, sunning my handsome belly, when I noticed a bug. It's wing flutter I caught out of the corner of my eye with my amazing hunter senses. Rolling to a crouch, I watched the doomed buggy zig zag around. With a twitch of my hindquarters for momentum, I lunged at the hapless insect, razor sharp claws ready to rip him to shreds!!! DAMMIT!!! Smacked my handsome face into the big window!! Irritating humanoids and their impenetrable glass!!!! I want that bug! I lunge again as the moth bonks itself into the window, higher up now. Dammit! This window is too big and it keeps me from my prey! I click angrily at my humanoid, who is preparing to eat her prey. Why, stupid humanoid, why? Why do you tease me with the outside, with the lure of winged things? Why? Why, dammit, why? She coos at me, like the idiot, and pats my head, laughing at my impotence. Filled with frustration, I attack the moth again and get a nice faceful of glass. The bug is in the outside and taunts me with his ability to fly away. I glare at my humanoid. It is her fault I have lost this battle.

I hate my humanoid...and I hate the Spring.

Today was an exercise day. The idiot was annoying to me so I followed him around the house. I lay in wait for him, crouching in the shadows, and every time he laid down, I would bite him in the leg. Ha ha! The idiot would tear off through the house and I would sleekly (like a panther) run him down. We would tussle and he would run away. After a few minutes, he would try to lay down again and I would strike! The idiot thinks he can run faster than me, but he is an idiot. I am much more faster. It was good to exercise today. I feel very fit and awesome. Ha. I am such an athlete. Now I must rest my handsome body. I will spend the rest of the day in my perch while the idiot cowers.

Humanoids beware: you are all ridiculously simple-minded and I feel it is my duty to enlighten you because of your moronic ideas about "Cat facts."

1. Cats sleep almost the entire day. Incorrect. Your tiny humanoid brains do not understand that a feline day runs 42 hours, not 24. Therefore we sleep about half our day, and it is necessary in order to keep our handsome and fit bodies running at top performance. When we run around your houses, or take down small woodland creatures, we need to have energy. Sometimes, less reputable felines will resort to performance enhancing drugs like catnip in order to maintain energy. These "alley" cats are not to be trusted. Humanoids, do not let these wild ones into your domicile, and most especially, do not purchase magazine subscriptions from them. They will only keep the money to buy more nip and balls with bells in them.

2. Cats always land on their feet. Humanoids, I ask you this: If you were rolling around on the big soft sleepy furniture, enjoying your yellow snake, and you did not see the edge because your incredible focus was on the blasted yellow snake, and you fell off onto the floor, would you be able to twist your body around fast enough to land on your feet? Of course not. The laws of physics cannot be broken, even by us superior felines. We are working on bending the time-space continuum, but until we do, it is just not possible to land from a short height on your feet. A long height however, and we felines are a sight to behold in grace and elegance.

3. Cats do not like to get wet. Again, wrong. We do not like it when our faces get wet (would you enjoy a squirt of water in the face? No!) because our whiskers are highly sensitive instruments. Getting them wet is the equivalent of tossing your electronic data thing into water. Not a pleasant sensation. However, the rest of our beautiful bodies are fine to get wet. In fact, in the hot times, we enjoy the cooling down. Oftentimes, while contemplating why my humanoid has submerged herself in water, I am so absorbed by my highly intellectual musings about the possibility of seeing a bug on the wall, that I let my tail just hang and it gets very wet. I do not care about this. It is only water.

4. Cats are smarter than dogs. Well...yes. Of course. This truth is not a lie.

5. Cats are evil and bent on world domination. Humanoids, I cannot believe that you would think this of us! Felines are beautiful and graceful and like nothing better than to lay in the sun in a little outfit you have dressed us in. We would certainly not be plotting your imminent destruction. I may have said humanoids were simple-minded before, but that is only because I mean child-like. And would we harm a child? No...children like to ride us and pull our tails. We find that cute and endearing, not painful and annoying. We care for you humanoids, love it when you rake us over with brushes, manhandle our delicate paws, or push us off of counters. We enjoy when you put pictures of us on your electronic data thing and give us ridiculously stupid quotes that are misspelled. No, it is much flattering. Remember humanoids, your feline loves you and if you see them occasionally glaring at you from a high perch, it is not at you, but merely the bug on the wall behind you. Say it with me humanoids: Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Keep staring directly at the words. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are sweet and cuddly. You are feeling oddly sleepy. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are smart and cunning. Cats are smart and cunning. Cats are smart and cunning. You will give your cat whatever he asks for. Cats are smart and cunning. Including credit card numbers and passports. Cats are smart and cunning. Cats are smart and cunning.

Cats are smart....and cunning.

My humanoids left me! They actually left me!! I saw the black boxes come out, I even laid on the clothes myself, but that didn't prevent them from leaving. I thought sure they would just be out for the day, but noooo. They had to be gone for a whole week. The idiot was such a baby, he cried all night. Personally, I chose to take the high road and sleep on the humanoids' pillows...after I got out of the litter box. It doesn't matter. I am above such concerns as humanoid vacations and care about it as much as I would for the idiot. What annoys me to no end is the replacement humanoid they sent in. She smelled like...like.......canine. Ugh. I shudder at the thought. This odorous humanoid supplied the food and water, but she is smart like the idiot. She left the green plant things down within reach. My regular humanoids would never have left them like that for me. They were oh, so delicious. I got to smash the idiot in the face many times for trying to eat my green plant thing. I also pushed him off the cozy spot on the bed. It is my spot. The idiot was so pathetic when our humanoids finally came back....cuddling up to them like a low born......puppy. He even got to sleep next to them! I maintained a sense of decorum, rolling on my back to show off my handsome belly in case they missed it while they were gone. I then followed them from room to room to see if they had brought back anything for me. Pitiful humanoids. They never bring anything back for me. I don't even care that they are returned. I will give them the cold shoulder from my perch. At least I don't have to smell the canine humanoid anymore. Humph!