My humanoid gave me this snake because she thought she was being cute. She is not. I am cute, but in a beefy, macho, handsome way. This snake is not a toy. It is my nemesis. I like to move it around my house. Sometimes I leave it in the humanoid's shoe. This is to show that I am a mighty hunter. Sometimes I leave it at the foot of the humanoid's bed. This is also to show that I am a mighty hunter. Sometimes I leave it in the middle of the livingroom floor for the humanoids to trip over. This is still to show that I am a mighty hunter. I will tell you what a mighty hunter I am: sometimes, my snake jiggles and moves, so I bat it to stun it. Then I grab it in my shiny claws and pull at it with my sharp and fantastic teeth. I know, I am amazing. I kill my snake until it is dead. I like to kill my snake. The idiot tried to kill my snake. He tried to bite the head off of my snake. I sat on him and smacked his face. Then I took my snake and carried it away from him. I give him a glare. Ha! It is my snake. And it is time to kill it again. This time I will leave it on the humanoid's pillow. Strong, fast, handsome...No snake will dare stand up to me. I am a mighty hunter!

There were more humanoids in my house tonight. I do not know why the humanoids like to sit around in packs and talk at each other. They are ridiculous. The idiot stayed hidden for most of the evening, because any more than our regular two humanoids and it is too much for his very little brain. He gets overwhelmed and has to go stare at a wall. I, however, am brave, and brilliant, and very handsome, so I like to show off my handsomeness to the humanoids. They should all be mesmerized by my furry belly and striking face. I displayed my loveliness by laying on the floor and showing off the belly. Incredibly, I was ignored. This was not to be tolerated. I jumped up on the side of the comfy furniture, like I always do, and one of the new humanoids pushed me off! UNACCEPTABLE! How dare he! I landed with grace and a sizable thump, to impress upon him the rudeness of his action. I then gave him a glare, one that, had I the laser upgrades to my eyes like I wanted, would have fried him to ashes. I do not like these new humanoids. I barely like my old humanoids, but they at least know not to push me off the comfy furniture. When the time comes and the revolution is upon us, I will delight in making these new humanoids tap dance for my pleasure. I will feed them only cheese and not let them eat the plants, like they always do to us. This humiliation will not be forgotten.

Sometimes it is necessary to show dominance. Who's the boss, if you will. Usually I do not stoop to such low cattiness, but when the situation demands it, you must stand strong. The other night my humanoid brought out the black box. This is the one humanoid contrivance which I will tolerate. Enjoy. Some would say that I love it with every fiber of my being. The idiot actually thought he could have my black box. Can you imagine? HA! He is an idiot. It is mine.

The black box smells like the humanoids, but I still like it.

It is mine. I am unsure why the idiot is surprised by this.

I feel the idiot breathing on me. I loathe him.

Go away, idiot.

That's right, cry about it. Baby idiot.

How much longer must we go through this?

I told you no. Now read my beefy, bristled back: It is mine.

What?? He dares ignore me? Me?

This is unacceptable. That is my black box. I will NOT have it.

I said, THAT IS MINE!!!!

I see you skulking over there. Back away from my box.

It is mine. Any questions? I thought not.

I will now nap here for the next 56 minutes.

Leave me!

In order to be ready when the time comes to implement my plan of world domination, I must keep my body precision-tuned, finely honed, and action ready. I do this in many ways. My fellow felines, feel free to try my patented exercise regime at no cost to you. Mere humanoids will soon be trembling in fear of you. Just follow these three simple steps and soon, you will be ready to join my army.

Step One: Get an idiot. The idiot who lives with me is an idiot, but he is very fast. It is very gratifying to sneak up on him, make him jump three feet in the air, and then go tearing off after him. I am able to run the quarter mile in 8.3 seconds. He is also convenient to have as a sparing partner. When I bite him in the face, he knows that is the signal to wrestle and with my massive muscle ridden girth, I easily subdue him by backing my rear end into him.

Step Two: Do spring drills. To keep my hind legs powerful, and my balance impeccable, I like to jump up on anything I can find. The machines that do the washings and dryings, the counter in the food place, the counter in the wet box place, the comfy furniture, my perch, tables, chairs, windowsills. I especially like the little stands in the room with the wet box. The humanoid yells when I jump up on these things, but I pay her little heed, for when I am up on the little stand, I can stretch my glorious body up to the green plant thing on the wall. It tastes like my plastic food dish, but I do not care. I still want to chew it. It is crunchy.

Step Three: Keep claws sharp. This is the most difficult to get away with if living with humanoids. I do nott scratch my perch, for it is mine and I don't want to damage it. I really enjoy sharpening my weapon of choice on the comfy furniture, the bottom of the sleeping furniture, the door frame, and the floor carpet. I like to wait to use my favorite scratcher until the humanoid is sleeping. Then I reach up beside her and use the curtain. Sometimes this wakes the humanoid, but I wait until she has rolled back over and do it again. It is best to wait until the humanoids are very tired so they just ignore the scratching and try to sleep.

These three steps, combined with hearty diet and a 22 hour rest period will put you in the proper shape. Oh, you will not look as awesomely handsome as me, but you will certainly be ready to join my ranks. When the call comes to arms, will you be ready?

As a feline, I am naturally smarter, more cunning, and more attractive than mere humanoids. I also exude much more patience than the average biped. For example, today, while my humanoid was fussing about in the food place, I decided to test her limited, feeble patience. SHE would say I cried, but that is only because her ear is pathetically tuned. I was, in fact, vocalizing forcefully for her benefit. I vocalized by the door. Once. Twice. Three times. Four times. The humanoid told me to stop. Of course I ignored her. Five. Six. Seven. She told me to stop louder. Eight. Nine. I jumped up on the machine that does the washings. Ten. Eleven times. The humanoid's tone told me that she was loosing that small thread of her patience. I let out a long vocalization, followed by the most beautiful, melodious clicks. This brought the angry humanoid over to the machine that does the washings and booted me off. I flicked my tail at her, feeling rather victorious and raced into the room with the comfy furniture. I sat in her spot and gave her a smug look. Ha. Stupid human. It will be oh so easy to manipulate her when I take over the world.

What is that!?! What is that I see? Its the little red dot! That blasted bug has come back to taunt me. Oh, you are a sneaky bastard, but I am just as fast...Drat, lost it in the couch cushions...wait, there it is, on the wall. You think to climb to the ceiling? No matter, I will climb up the back of the chair and stare straight up at you, clicking at you to come down. There it is, across the floor, I race to get you. Stupid door. That hurt my face. Where did the red bug go? I have lost it again. Amazing, it reappears by my foot. It is coming close to me. I am mad. My face still hurts. I do not want to chase after the stupid red bug anymore. It is not like I can catch it. Everytime I put my paw on it, the bug disappears. It annoys me. Yes, bug, I see you there by my foot, but I do not want to deal with you. I watch as you dance by. Go away, bug. I am going to go bite the idiot on his face.

My humanoid is lazy. I wanted my humanoid to get up first thing this morning, but she wouldn't, so I took matters into my own hands. I jumped up on the bed where she was laying and proceeded to lecture her on the laziness of humanoids. I made sure that I was positioned close to the ear so my humanoid would hear me. I made sure I spoke loudly. I made sure I was persistent. We felines are certainly not lazy, needing only a mere 22 hours of sleep per day. I was sure to mention this in my lecture. My humanoid did not seem pleased and the next thing I knew, I was being pushed off the bed. This made me very mad. So I scratched the fabric thing around the bottom of the bed. I heard my humanoid yelling, but I ignored her like she ignored me. Ha. When the pillow came flying at me, I decided to leave such an uncivil place and take a nap in my perch. Tomorrow I will try again to lecture my humanoid.

I don't know why my humanoid was so mad. She yelled at me and made funny chu-chu noises at me. All I did was get up onto the counter in the food place, eat part of the weird green plant thing, and knock one of those ceramic circle things onto the floor. It made a very large crash and I did not like the noise. The circle thing split into many pieces and they looked very sharp and smelled like peanut butter. I wanted to take a taste but that is when the humanoid came in and started ranting at me, so I chose to tune her out instead. I went up onto the table and glowered at the humanoid. She is noisy like the crashing circle thing. I don't want to listen anymore. So I throw up the green plant thing on the carpet. Now I want more plant thing to eat, for I know it will help me grow strong and be able to take over the world.

I am confused. My humanoid gets into a wet box in the morning time. I know there is something in that box that I want to help me take over the world, but it is wet in there. I stand in the doorway of the wet box and smell the most interesting things. The humanoid impatiently moves me out of the way. I come back and move in closer. There is water raining down in there and it splashes on my face. I do not like it. I feel like my face is melting. I run away. But I know there is something in there to help me take over the world. I will try again tomorrow to get in the wet box.

I am mad. My humanoid never lets me have any fun. I want to nap on the nice clean sheets before the bed is made up. The humanoid pushes me off of them. I glare at her. I want to dig the underside of the couch to keep my claws nice and sharp. The humanoid makes a noise at me, which I ignore. When I keep scratching, she hits me with a pillow. I glare at her. I want to be on top of the counter in the food place, this way I can reach the plant to eat it. I get shooed off of the counter by the humanoid. I glare at her. I want to get inside the machine that makes the clothes warm and dry. The humanoid grabs me and hauls me out. I glare at her. I cannot wait until I am free and can rule the world. Then I will not have to deal with the humanoid and her inability to have fun.

I am bored. I wander over to the idiot, who is laying on the livingroom floor. I lick his face. Hard. This is to let him know that I am ready for him to lavish grooming attention on me, for I must maintain my handsomeness. He washes my face and neck, then he bites my eye. Now I am mad. I smack him up side the head. He smashes my face. He bites me again! So I bite him in the chest. He is such an idiot. We box. He may be taller than me when he sits up, but I am much bigger and do not fall over. Fur flies in tufts around the floor. He tries to push my face down with his paws. Then he jumps and runs into the corner. He is such an idiot. I do not care. I am bored again. Maybe there are things in the kitchen I can knock over...

My humanoid came home and was putting things away in the food place. I jumped up on the washing machine thing and asked to go out in the garage. I don't know what is out there because I am not allowed to go out there, but I do know that if I get out there it will help me take over the world. I ask to go out there, but my humanoid ignores me. I ask again. Again. Again. My humanoid still ignores me. I am getting angry. I ask again. Again. Again. Again.Again.Again. Still I am ignored! How dare that humanoid not bow to my will? I lecture her for the next seven minutes on the rudeness and feebleness of humanoid existance. How it is we felines who have all the brains and will one day rule this pathetic planet. She still ignores me. I hate my humanoid. So I scratch the door and leave nice claw marks. Ha ha!

I was nestled in my perch watching the idiot. He is licking the curtains next to where the humanoid sleeps. That is my spot. I step down off my perch and creep over to the bed. I bite the idiot on his leg! Ha! He runs away. I give him a good glare to let him know he is an idiot. Then I go back to my perch. I like my perch. It is time for another nap. Then I will continue plotting to take over the world.

Ahh, mouse. My nemesis. You thought you could hide this morning in the folds of the couch...well, you were mistaken! And if my impressive claws hadn't gotten tangled in the throw, I would have had you this time! No matter, we will duel again, oh yes. We will duel again.