Humanoids beware: you are all ridiculously simple-minded and I feel it is my duty to enlighten you because of your moronic ideas about "Cat facts."

1. Cats sleep almost the entire day. Incorrect. Your tiny humanoid brains do not understand that a feline day runs 42 hours, not 24. Therefore we sleep about half our day, and it is necessary in order to keep our handsome and fit bodies running at top performance. When we run around your houses, or take down small woodland creatures, we need to have energy. Sometimes, less reputable felines will resort to performance enhancing drugs like catnip in order to maintain energy. These "alley" cats are not to be trusted. Humanoids, do not let these wild ones into your domicile, and most especially, do not purchase magazine subscriptions from them. They will only keep the money to buy more nip and balls with bells in them.

2. Cats always land on their feet. Humanoids, I ask you this: If you were rolling around on the big soft sleepy furniture, enjoying your yellow snake, and you did not see the edge because your incredible focus was on the blasted yellow snake, and you fell off onto the floor, would you be able to twist your body around fast enough to land on your feet? Of course not. The laws of physics cannot be broken, even by us superior felines. We are working on bending the time-space continuum, but until we do, it is just not possible to land from a short height on your feet. A long height however, and we felines are a sight to behold in grace and elegance.

3. Cats do not like to get wet. Again, wrong. We do not like it when our faces get wet (would you enjoy a squirt of water in the face? No!) because our whiskers are highly sensitive instruments. Getting them wet is the equivalent of tossing your electronic data thing into water. Not a pleasant sensation. However, the rest of our beautiful bodies are fine to get wet. In fact, in the hot times, we enjoy the cooling down. Oftentimes, while contemplating why my humanoid has submerged herself in water, I am so absorbed by my highly intellectual musings about the possibility of seeing a bug on the wall, that I let my tail just hang and it gets very wet. I do not care about this. It is only water.

4. Cats are smarter than dogs. Well...yes. Of course. This truth is not a lie.

5. Cats are evil and bent on world domination. Humanoids, I cannot believe that you would think this of us! Felines are beautiful and graceful and like nothing better than to lay in the sun in a little outfit you have dressed us in. We would certainly not be plotting your imminent destruction. I may have said humanoids were simple-minded before, but that is only because I mean child-like. And would we harm a child? No...children like to ride us and pull our tails. We find that cute and endearing, not painful and annoying. We care for you humanoids, love it when you rake us over with brushes, manhandle our delicate paws, or push us off of counters. We enjoy when you put pictures of us on your electronic data thing and give us ridiculously stupid quotes that are misspelled. No, it is much flattering. Remember humanoids, your feline loves you and if you see them occasionally glaring at you from a high perch, it is not at you, but merely the bug on the wall behind you. Say it with me humanoids: Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Keep staring directly at the words. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are sweet and cuddly. You are feeling oddly sleepy. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are sweet and cuddly. Cats are smart and cunning. Cats are smart and cunning. Cats are smart and cunning. You will give your cat whatever he asks for. Cats are smart and cunning. Including credit card numbers and passports. Cats are smart and cunning. Cats are smart and cunning.

Cats are smart....and cunning.